Number 28 – Let’s Talk about sex, baby…
Sound of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel – Chosen by both of us – Taken from ‘Greatest Hits’ LP – The final Dad Pick
It is Christmas. I am back at home in Kent for a fleeting visit to my Dads. It is definitely a Saturday because we have been to the football, (a feisty 2-2 draw against Luton Town, including three red cards, two penalties and an injured ref) and then the pub and now we (my brother is with me) are back at my dads house tucking in to an Indian Takeaway.
We are munching our way through the naan breads when my dad starts channel surfing. Eventually he settles on a film. That film is ‘The Graduate’, one of my favourite films of all time, and one with a cracking soundtrack. Simon and Garfunkel are another one of the acts that my dad loves, one that I have heard him unashamedly singing along to in the shower or one of the acts that he keeps a tape of in the car.
We watch the film in near silence, marvelling at its brilliance, when suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, my dad goes “Of course, that kind of thing happened a lot in the sixties”. He is of course talking about the seduction of the young Dustin Hoffmann by Anne Bancroft. It may be the vegetable biriyani sitting in front of me, or the beer that I have drunk, but my stomach makes a strange lurching noise. I have this feeling that my dad is going to tell us about a time when he had sex with an older woman.
My brother, looks at me, and we unconvincingly try and change the subject “What about that second red card” I try and my brother jumps in straight away “never a red card..” but he is interrupted. “There was this woman, on my paper round, fifteen I was”. Yup, told you. Brace yourselves…this is pretty much word for word, but I wish I had a tape recorder so I could have loaded that as an mp3. Dirk, read this in small doses please.
“I used to deliver the local news, in the morning, I’d get a lift up to the shop from Derek on the milk truck, you know that chemists on Station Road, that used to be a paper shop, and collect my papers. One morning, my mate Malc never turned up so I had to do his round. He delivered to a lot of the big houses on the posh streets. I got to this big house, with all the curtains drawn, I’d never been along this street before, but you tell it was a posh street because everyone had cars, it was 1962, cars were few and far between back then. Anyway, as I delivered the paper, this woman answered the door in her dressing gown, but it was slightly open. She smiled at me, and goes “you’re not Malcolm”. So I told her who I was and gave her the paper. I then went on my merry way. About twenty minutes later, I walk back past that house and the woman is in the garden, and she calls out to me and I wander over…”
At this point I interrupt and say “Dad have you been watching those Robin Asquith films again?” which he ignores, my brother is sinking into the sofa more and more. My dad continues “She gave me a half a crown I think and asked me to bring her some milk back, and I could keep the change, so I trooped back to the shop and then back to the house. The door was opened when I got there”. He stops and takes and gulp of his beer, I hate to say it but my brother and I are hooked, utterly captivated.
“Boys, I went in that house with a bottle of milk and came out a man”, with that he shuts up. A look, a dirty, happy look covers his face, a bit like a nice Albert Steptoe. I realise I am speechless, stunned, I’ve also dropped a naan bread in sheer amazement. Dad started again.
“Of course, she was famous for it, none of us knew, but it turned out that her old man was in prison doing a ten stretch for armed robbery – he robbed the bank on Rainham High Street in 1960 and his wife was taking revenge by shagging the paper boys, the milk men (Derek included apparently), the postmen, the light infantry, Uncle Tom Cobley, the bloke off the Daz adverts, everyone. Malc’s mother had found out why he late home a few days earlier and had literally beaten the truth out of him and then told him that he couldn’t deliver the papers anymore, I have a feeling that the vice squad raided her house one Sunday morning, and then left on Wednesday afternoon”
A massive laugh, and one that is soon replicated by both me and my brother.
Oh and if you can bare to stay on this cheap 70s style comedy page here is the next WYCRA 2017 pick.
- Pinegrove – A band who those of you who like Built to Spill or perhaps Wilco will enjoy. They are another band coming out of New Jersey, this one make country tinged indie, and this year released ‘Cardinal’ – which is as it happens one of the finest records you will hear all year.
Waveform – Pinegrove