Round One Tie Three – Bandit Queen vs Howler
It is the day before I am due to go off skiing, I have been at work for about half an hour. Suddenly our new manager (the old hipster one having been promoted) comes tearing out the gents and slams his office door. A few people dozily look up from their desks slightly bemused as what is going on. Dave (name changed) a guy to my right looks up and says “Someone had a big curry last night”. I chortle and get back to work. Then about ten minutes later an email comes in.
“Would all male staff please report to the meeting room immediately.”
We all look up, this doesn’t sound good. We troop off to the meeting room. The door is open when we get there. The meeting room is painted in a soft pink colour in order to encourage a relaxing approach to meetings and that, but I have feeling that this isn’t going to be relaxing. There are seven us of there and the manager starts up
“Who was it?” he says.
We look at each other and then back at him. Matt a young member of staff is looking at me, because as second in charge he thinks I should say something.
“Who was what” I say, which doesn’t come out quite right.
The manager stands up and folks, it’s difficult to type this with a straight face, he stands up and says
“Who did a poo on the floor of the gents?”
There is some smirking, mainly from me, and then I remember that I am not twelve and I look at him professionally and say “Seriously?”
He nods and brings out his phone – he photographed it! – It’s definitely a poo, on the floor, coiled and hissing slightly. We all vigorously deny it straight away. We are however, the only people with access to that toilet, apart from the cleaner and I’m assuming it wasn’t her, she’s about 70 and that’s the poo of man. I’ll also add here that like Shaggy, it wasn’t me.
“Hang on” the managers says “is everyone here?”
We look around and there is one person conspicuous by his absence.
The manager is now convinced it was him. Then as if by magic, he comes swirling into view across the office. I’ll let him give you his somewhat shaky defence (I am trying to make it look like it was him).
I walked into the office and there was no one there, I wandered across to a desk and asked a lady called Marie where everyone was and she just pointed at the meeting room (which was a bit rude), so I sat down, it was only when I opened my emails that I decided to wander in to the meeting room.
But before I did my phone vibrated it was a text from Badger. It read “I hope you’ve got a good excuse” followed by a smiley face.
I walk in and say cheerily “Have I missed anything?”
Which makes Badger laugh, although I have no idea why. Then the manager shows me his phone and says
To which I look at him and then at Badger and then at my colleagues and then I say: –
“I was running late the morning of Poo Gate your honour. I was doing the preschool run and left my daughters bag at home and had to turn around and get it. Then on the way back to preschool there was three accidents on the road, which delayed me even further. I wasn’t even there.”
He is of course telling the truth.
An hour later we are let out of the meeting room, we’ve had a lecture about cleanliness, respect for property, each other and then a gentle reminder that the organisation has services available to it – confidential services – which are open twenty four hours a day. Then we are set away, we all feel like naughty school boys.
We never found out who was responsible for poo gate, but on my return to work after skiing, Colin (name changed) a temporary member of staff was no longer at his desk, so I’m blaming him, he had that look about him.
None of this of course is anyway linked to the Silver Cup of Imagination it was just too good a story to not tell. I was 20 minutes into the 90 when the shit hit the floor, and Bandit Queen had taken an early lead.
Bandit Queen were a three piece from Manchester who famously (well sort of) beat Supergrass to the Single of the Week title in the Melody Maker in one 1995 issue, sadly this was a freak one off victory.
It was this single ‘Miss Dandys’ that was the victor back then and it is the same track that scores early on for Bandit Queen
When I get back to my desk I continue with the music and the very next track is
Which is by Howler. Howler were a band from Minneapolis and were another band massively hyped by the NME when they emerged out of singer Jordan Gatesmith’s bedroom in 2010. Their debut album ‘America Give Up’ was pretty good although forgettable. Fans of Howler will notice that the sentence above begins, Howler were…. They split on January 13th this year, which was news to me.
There are no more tracks by either band – so the tie ends Bandit Queen 1 Howler 1
So this one goes to the public vote. One of these bands has to leave the competition today. Here are two more tracks one by each – please vote which is best and the winners go through.
Give It To the Dog – Miss Dandys
This One’s Different – Howler
Next Week Les Savy Fav vs The Shins